i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
