I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
