New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
