i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
