that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
