i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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