My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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