i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
