my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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