i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
