Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
