You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize