Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
