If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
