now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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