he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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