His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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