People in love make me want to vomit
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
