I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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