I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
