i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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