I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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