My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
