I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize