my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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