For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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