my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
