I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
