If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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