I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
