someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
