perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
