I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
