at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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