you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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