she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
