I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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