The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
