So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
