so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize