I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
