Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
