this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
