you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
