Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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