i would punch a child for taco bell
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
