Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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