Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
