We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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