I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
