yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
