Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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