genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
