I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
