This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
50% drunk capacity currently
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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