and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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