I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
