that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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