low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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