Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
