AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Did I show you my penis last night?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
