if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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