After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
