You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
