Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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