i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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