Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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