well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i think i have two assholes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
