I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize