If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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