When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
